thankful i have

become

that i have discovered

myself

didnt have to be alone with

loss

raised by my children

witnessed

i could tell you her story

because she shares it with me

and i listen

it was respect and love in the telling

it is with respect that ill not tell it until she cannot

listen to the narrative as close to the source as you can

maybe now id tell my story as the audience

but its derivative and takes up space

which my heart wants filled with more stories

it is with love that i ask you to let me listen

i want to write a story id like to read

heroes don't look like me and don't have my background

but space would be taken up

so i search and read

and discuss

thats the story of connections to write?

listen to understand

what i must do is not tell 

you your story

make your hero

but listen

not to respond

but to understand

a modern use of Zeno's Dichotomy Paradox

at what point is my racism eliminated

it is my assertion that my racism, chauvinism

my position of privilege cannot be fully eliminated

with every step i may get half way closer to human

At some point i agree it is close enough for practical purposes

but it isn't close enough - speak when i should listen

my forefathers have really pulled one over on us

i study women, gender and sexuality

equality is stressed

in a system that...

well i have always said i prefer to learn from failure

and that i enjoy learning mostly through watching others failure

but i am not enjoying this

i hope my soul reflects

like a crystal mirror 

the poetry written in the cosmos

consumed by our social norms

like from a black hole

little bits of my self

excrete like radiation

i have these conversations

where i believe i have caused harm

they keep me awake for nights

its not the combat i fear

it is the unintended

irreversible harm

that would keep me awake for 

lifetimes

that i fear

an awareness of 

post traumatic stress disorder

keeps me

why are there still guns in our midst

have lessons learned in media

broken our empathy

when coming across an ideal or idea greater than i can understand i must not view it from below from my point of understanding only... i must elevate my thinking my understanding in order to view straight on at its level

i read bell hooks but knew i didn't understand, years later trying to elevate my thinking i now know and understand straight on only what she said directly... choose love

My revolution is not for sale

My revolution is perpetual

Learning from failure

Started  long before me

I have to be able to accept defeat

A double defeat if necessary

Dependable or unwavering revolution

Guilt or shame

Guilt helps me see when I have failed

Shame is when my entitlement burns that I have to deal with something, so I don't

I'd rather suffer from guilt than shame

Recidivism or rehabilitation

Do I add a chain link and lock myself away

Shame

Or do I do the work, own the failure and learn

Guilt

if I could

in all my privilege

ascribe to an individual's

genitalia a pronoun it would be

Theirs

I just want to be accepted

It is why I don’t want to do something 

Deviant like to tell you

You are wrong

So if I use politically correct 

Virtue signaling language

To tell you something you don’t want to hear

You should look for the pain you are causing 

Because it is of pain i would only risk so much in telling

Despite all my rage

I am still questioning 

My gender identity 

negative pain

in high school science

physics i think or a section on physics

i learned that to slow down is 

negative acceleration 

joy is something we cherish

it is something we guard and keep

it is mine

i learned this in high school

pain is something we experience

pain is something we share with others

when we lash out when we show our confusion

negative pain

is then still my joy

but to think of it this way

helps me remember to share it

to slow down the pain of others

that my joy is our pain

or it just isn't worth experiencing

i don't want to be a great guy

do you know how many times i hear someone is a great guy

often white men talking about another white man

i'd like to be

an okay human

i have been a mediocre white man for most of my life

its not that bad, but its a luxury i don't want

being known as an okay human 

would put me in with great company

what will i do with my degree?

nothing, put it on a wall or resume...

but what i will do with my education

now that is a question that will get an answer

I will think more deeply

I will see the beauty of human connection 

and be able to speak to it

I will turn critical race theory 

into a critical awakening

into critical action

i want others embrace their childishness

to embrace failure without fear

as a space to learn

not fear the implicit biases of others

i have in my white birthday suite

the privilege of being able 

to succeed by failing forward  

the pain wasn't because

they took my soap box

it was my voice

that pain was not due

to the loss of my soap box

or friends; but my voice

No one

Values my opinion

My experiences enough

To sit and listen to me express them

So I try poetry

Short sound bites is what our attention spans have been 

Conditioned to ingest

Or maybe my attention span is unable to allow me to articulate 

An engaging story of my experiences 

To captivate your attention 

almost fifty still

the sun warms drawing the eyes

forget to not stare

 I came to this country

Through a painful transformation 

A realization that my assumptions 

Are wrong and harm people of my community 

The point of a melting pot

Is to burn away the impurities 

What was sold as a dream state

An ideal — brings harm to my community 

I want to be broken somehow

Because to be whole in this system

Is to bring pain 

Is to bring suffering 

I won’t hate like I am expected to

I will love, I will love

I will love

These words do not have the same power

The same over coming the triumph 

Of course I will love

Love is love

Doesn’t have the same resonance when I say it

My words and actions will not reach the masses

That doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t act

That doesn’t mean I should amplify my love

My maladjustment my deviance 

Is that I will avoid causing harm